Selig Cartwright Goldman Sachs Washroom Attendant: Doing The Second Amendment Fandango

Sorry to bother you, Mr. B. But something happened this morning I thought you should know about.

What is it Selig? A leak in the piping? I hope my Stall #8 hasn’t been flooded.

No, sir. Nothing that serious. It was just that guy who came by this morning. I don’t know who he was, but he said he was here to install gun mounts over the sinks and toilet bowls.

Oh that. No need to worry. He was authorized. Something new we’re offering our staffers. For their protection.

Protection? From what, sir?

Crazed investors. Fanatical terrorists. That sort of thing. Can’t be too careful these days, Selig.

Everyone is doing it. Have you heard about that Republican Convention in Tampa, Florida this June?

Yes, sir. Word about it has filtered down to the washroom.

Well, Selig, they’re allowing concealed handguns in the area around the convention site. In some parts of the country you can also carry concealed weapons in bars and schools. So why not have them in the toilet stalls of an investment bank?

When you put it that way, Mr. B., I can see the logic. And I guess anyone who really understands the Constitution would have to conclude the Founding Fathers wanted everyone to have loaded guns at political gatherings, in bars and schools. Very prudent. But in Wall Street washrooms? I don’t know. I mean…

What exactly do you mean, Selig? What’s the problem?

Well, Mr. B., some Wall Street traders who come into washrooms are kind of… sort of… hyper. Overwrought. You know. Losing a few hundred million of other people’s money on a bond bet upsets them.

No reason to get upset over that, Selig.

You’re right, of course, Mr. B. But some traders respond by taking strong stimulants to help get them through the day. And when you combine that with guns you sometimes…

Strong stimulants, Selig? You mean cups of strong, heavily caffeinated coffee.

Of course, sir. What else could I possibly mean?

What else indeed, Selig.

Don’t get me wrong, Mr. B. I’m not saying that anyone, for any reason, most certainly not a highly stimulated trader, should not have ready access to a handgun. Or assault rifle. Or machine pistol. Or a bazooka or hand grenade if that’s what self defense requires. Only that in a Wall Street washroom it might cause occasional difficulties.

Say no more, my good man. Be assured this is only a temporary arrangement. The election coming up in November obliges Wall Streeters to make certain alliances to keep the country from going still further in the wrong direction.

You mean toward socialism, sir?

Yes. There. Big banks and gun super-enthusiasts will have to vote the same side to beat back the socialist beast. And if that means guns above sinks and toilet bowls, what the heck. We go along for a while, after November, the guns disappear. Does that make you happy?

Anything that promotes the interests of investment banks makes me happy, sir. Your own Stall #8 is ready, by the way. And the man who came by this morning left a sample gun for you to play with… I mean for you to inspect. I think he called it a ‘MAC-10,’ along with a few banana clips of armor piercing ammo.

Splendid, Selig. Splendid. Forty-round banana clips with armor piercing bullets, you say?

For self-defense, sir. Just give me a few seconds warning before you actually lock and load. I have a family.

*******
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A collection of dozens of Selig Cartwright, Goldman Sachs Washroom Attendant adventures, featuring Selig, Mr. B, and other lovable (and not so lovable) characters will soon be available on Amazon.

The Adventures Of Selig Cartwright, Goldman Sachs Washroom Attendant: Can Selig Save Goldman’s Image?

Mr. B. Back again this afternoon? Been eating those tacos again for lunch?

No, Selig. I’ve come to see you.

Me, sir?

Yes, you Selig. Ever done any media?

Well, I was included in a New Kybo Monthly story a few years back about advances in sanitary hand drying. And…

No, Selig. Media. Real media. Television. Every been featured in a TV ad?

Not that I remember.

Well, how would you feel about doing one for Goldman Sachs?

You want me to do an ad showing off those hand drying techniques I talked about in New Kybo Monthly? Or maybe telling people how you let me invest my life savings in one of Goldman’s synthetic CDOs?

No, Selig. And please keep your voice down when you talk about that exciting investment opportunity. Look, here it is in a nutshell. We took a beating in those Senate hearings the other day. People we’ve been supporting with good advance and hard cash for years turned on us like, like…

Frightened weasels, sir?

Exactly. So now we need an image refurbishment. Something that lets people know that Goldman Sachs isn’t just a bunch of bonus crazed traders who can borrow cheap because we finagled ourselves into a commercial bank arrangement that also guarantees we get bailed out every time we overdo our financial innovations.

That’s not the Goldman Sachs I know down here in the company washroom, sir.

Of course it’s not, Selig. We’re people who know there’s more to life than just making more money than everyone else on the planet. And we need a new Main Street-friendly image to show that in a new TV ad campaign. We need a person out front who doesn’t immediately bring to mind someone in a thousand-dollar suit who thinks he has a God-given right to huge compensation even when most everyone else is hurting badly because of a few perfectly forgivable and understandable but much misunderstood investment gambits.

An ordinary sort of person, sir? A different image for Goldman? Something that tells the world that Goldman is as much at home in a washroom as a stock and bond trading floor?

Exactly! So, Selig, what would you say to wearing a gleaming white tee shirt, sporting an earring, having a gold tooth inserted in your mouth to pick up studio lighting, and having your head shaved? Would you be willing to do that for Team Goldman?

Of course I would, Mr. B. I’d be honored to be Goldman’s Mr. Clean. I may be a little scrawny for the tee shirt, though.

Our 33rd floor gym can take care of that. Even been there? Done the tanning parlor?

We have a gym? A tanning parlor?

Never mind. A couple of days up there, you’ll look like Charles Atlas fresh from a few weeks in The Islands. The TV guys can also hid your scalp eczema.

You’ll supply the tee shirt, sir?

They’ll be a three-pack delivered tomorrow morning. And any you don’t use for the shoots you can keep for yourself. Because when someone deals with Goldman Sachs, Selig…

I know, sir. I know. They’re family.

*******

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The Adventures Of Selig Cartwright, Goldman Sachs Washroom Attendant: Makes A Supreme Court Visit

[Keeping the top executives washroom at Goldman Sachs in world-class condition is a challenging and important endeavor. Along with the job’s prestige, it allows Selig Cartwright an excuse, on occasion, to meet with others who have similar responsibilities in other high profile lavatories. Here’s part of the transcript of such a meeting between Selig and Telemarcus (Telly) Sinclair, who does the honors at the men’s washroom of the Supreme Court.]

Telly, old buddy. How’s my favorite Mr. Clean?

Scrubbing away, Selig. Scrubbing away. Making life a little better for some of our nation’s best, brightest and most deserving.

I know that feeling well, Telly, working as I do at Goldman Sachs. But tell me, the people you work for here. Nice folks?

A grand group of gentlemen, Selig. A grand group. And the way they treat a simple fellow like myself! You’d never suspect their incredible power, and the great good they’re doing every court session. It makes me wonder sometimes why we need a Congress in this country at all.

A lot of people are wondering the same thing these days, Telly. Or why we need a President when we have a Supreme Court.

Exactly, Selig. The time, the energy, not to mention the money that we waste voting for a Congress and President. And for what? To decide important issues? You know that health care bill they passed awhile back? Congress and the President spent years arguing and debating it.

Messy business legislating.

Messy, indeed. My boys, my Supremos, they heard the health care law debated over just three days. That’s all it takes for them to decide whether it stays or goes. It won’t even require the full nine justices to decide the health care future of 300 million Americans. Five can do the job. Clean. Efficient. Cost effective.

Do you think they’ll ever come a time in this country, Telly, when just one person decides things like this?

I hope not, Selig That would be anti-democratic.

True enough. Tell me, Telly, about that Citizens United decision I’ve heard so much about. What’s the washroom view?

The view in this washroom, my friend, the Supreme Court washroom, is that it was long overdue. Do you have any idea how grievously the very rich in this country suffered because they were unable to have their views heard? Because they were unable to influence policies just because they happened to be so wealthy?

I do, Telly, because that’s been a subject of conversation in the Goldman Sachs washroom for a very long time. Maybe now, though, your own Supremos won’t have so many long three-day sessions protecting the rights of the deserving rich. Now that enough money can be given legally to elect a Congress and President that won’t pass laws the Supreme Court has to dump.

And let’s not forget, Selig, a correctly elected, big money elected Congress and President means there’s no danger that this court will ever be packed and lose its power.

Or that companies like Goldman Sachs, Telly, will ever be over-regulated. Or maybe even regulated at all.

(The transcript indicates several minutes of laughter and back slapping following these last two comments. The entire contents of this meeting, however, will be available in the next issue of the Washroom Sanitation Engineers Beacon and Enquirer)

*******
If you enjoy reading about Selig, you might also enjoy author Michael Silverstein’s two new books being offered on Amazon. Just hit the icons below to check them out:

   

Selig Salutes Senator Dodd (Episode 9)

Mr B. I’m surprised to see you. I thought you and the gang were monitoring doings in the Senate. And here you are in the washroom, carrying a bottle of champaign.

Actually, Selig, its Asti Spumanti. We ran out of the Dom Perignon upstairs. But this stuff does have bubbles, and it’s for you.

Gee, thanks. A white wine with bubbles. What’s the occasion, sir? What are we celebrating?

Not just what, Selig. But who. We’re drinking a toast to Senator Chris Dodd.

Him? I thought he was giving you…I mean giving us trouble with that financial reform bill.

It may look that way down here in the washroom, Selig. But trust me, when this ‘reform’ becomes law, and regulators like Timmy…

Tim Geithner, sir? Our man at Treasury?

And a very fine fellow, too. When Timmy and our other good friends there and elsewhere in government finish writing the actual regulations for this reform, you’ll be drinking Asti down here like, like…

Like Diet Coke, sir.

Right. Like that. Thank heavens Dodd saw the dangers we faced with the derivative part of that financial reform in time. After that Arkansas person…

Senator Blanche Lincoln, sir?

Right. Her. After she was somehow allowed to insert a measure into the bill that would have forced banks like ourselves to get out of derivative peddling…

Our big money-maker, sir?

Right, Selig. The thing that keeps the stalls in this washroom fully wired to CNN and super hygienic, and the thing that allows little people like yourself occasional exposure to cheap bubbly. This Blanche Lincoln person would actually have caused us to be separated from direct involvement in the derivative markets. You know what that would mean, Selig?

I do, sir. You explained it the last time you came down for your regular Stall 8 visit. Not only would Goldman’s profits plunge, but with all government insured banks out of the derivatives market, gamblers in that market would have to eat their own losses instead of being made whole by taxpayers.

You have a wonderful memory, Selig. Ever think of trading securities? There might be some overlap with your present work in the washroom. I’ll run it by people in personnel. For the time being, though, let’s just celebrate. Dodd put the kibosh on that Lincoln madness. His new amendment to the reform bill says there’ll be a two-year wait before Lincoln’s proposal goes into effect. Two years during which regulators…

Like Tim Geithner, sir?

Right. Like our Timmy, ultimately decides whether it should go into effect at all. Guess how that will be decided. Ha. ha. ha.  So let’s pop this champ…this Asti Spumanti, and raise a toast to Goldman’s old pal, Senator Chris Dodd.

Pop!

Here’s to Dodd, Selig!

And to the death to socialism, sir!

The Adventures Of Selig Cartwright, Goldman Sachs Washroom Attendant (Episode VIII—Selig Helps Set The Standards)

Mr B? Surprised to see you in again today. And carrying all those papers.

They’re for you, Selig.

Kind of you, sir. But I’m already well stocked with paper down here. Single ply. Double ply. Quilted. We got a new shipment of Charmin in the other day if you’d like to…

No, Selig. These are papers for you to read. To read. Didn’t you get the memo?

Get a memo? In the washroom?

Whatever. The thing is, Selig, the Goldman board is creating a business standards committee to examine our businesses practices, and we’re looking to broaden its membership.

I don’t understand, Mr. B. Why would anyone think Goldman Sachs should change its business practices? The idea is absurd.

Of course it is, Selig. But with all the misunderstanding about the way we’ve been operating that you read in the press these days…

You mean like slicking that A.I.G. deal, sir? Becoming a commercial bank to access cheap loans from the Fed? Helping Greece fool its way into the EU and threatening Europe’s entire economy in consequence? Those bonuses you’ve been giving yourself? Those misunderstandings?

Yes, Selig, those misunderstandings. Personally, I can’t fathom why any fair-minided person would qiuibble about such things.

These are certainly confusing times we live in, sir.

True enough. In any case, Selig. We want to tap a few outsiders, ordinary little people like you, to help with reshaping our company operations. Are you game?

I don’t know, Mr. B. My work here in the washroom, it just involves maintaining the high-tech stalls, distributing super sanitized hand towels, keeping the luxury fixtures well shined. It’s really just putting a fancy gloss on functions people don’t want made public.

You’re just the man we’re looking for, Selig. By the way. When you come to the board meeting on the 40th floor, wear what you’re wearing now. We’re all just Main Street folks up there.

And you’ll put me on the memo list, sir?

Consider it done. Because whether you’re a client or an employee, Selig, when you deal with Goldman Sachs…

I know, sir. I know. You’re family.

The Adentures Of Selig Cartwright, Goldman Sachs Washroom Attendant (Episode 5 —Fraud Angst)

Mr. B. You’re early today. And forgive me for saying so, but you look terrible. Bad day in the markets? Europeans sniveling again about those Greek swaps? Bonuses complaints? More bad A.I.G press?

No, Selig. it’s those fraud charges, that witch hunt. Your heard about them?

I did hear something about that, sir. On the portable radio you let your washroom attendants listen to during work hours.

No need to thank me, Selig. We like to treat our help with the same fairness and consideration we use with our clients.

And people bless you for it, sir. But this fraud thing surprised me. How could anyone think Goldman Sachs would stoop to fraud just to make a few million extra dollars?

Who indeed, Selig. Who indeed. Yet when socialism takes hold of a new administration in Washington, craziness like this inevitably follows.

But don’t we have people at the Treasury who prevent these kinds of distractions? There’s that nice Mr. Geithner person…

Yes, Timmy has been most understanding when it comes to our operations and the modest sums we make from our labors. He put the kibosh on a special tax hit on our well deserved compensation, killed that transaction tax nonsense, and just the other day knocked down some crazy Senator’s idea to make us stop trading derivatives. Can you imagine. Selig? Keep a bank with access to the Treasury’s cheap credit window from getting bailed out when its derivative trading goes bad?

If that isn’t socialism, sir, I don’t know what is. But Mr. Geithner didn’t stop this fraud business. I don’t understand.

It’s a big government, Selig. And getting bigger all the time. Timmy and the Goldman alumni, along with the good old crowd from the New York Fed, pretty much run things at the Treasury. Do a damn good job, too. Unfortunately, they aren’t in place to see that things run right in some other government departments

Maybe if we shrunk the size of government and cut back on its ability to regulate, things would work a lot better.

Oh Selig, Selig, Selig. Coming down to this washroom restores my faith in the American dream. By the way. The weather is getting really nice. We give you some vacation time, don’t you?

A couple of weeks a year, sir. Though with the job market the way it is these days, I thought it prudent not to take any time off in the last two years.

Well do it anyway this year. And don’t worry. As long as we have washrooms at Goldman Sachs, they’ll always be a place in one of them for you. Where do you and the family summer, by the way, when you do take time off?

In Queens, sir. Where I winter, spring and fall.

In the same house?

Yes, sir.

You live all year in the same house? Extraordinary. Are there are others you’ve heard about, people who also manage this?

A fair number, sir.

Extraordinary. I can see how it would save on expenses moving staff from place to place. Still…Well enough of that now. Places to go. People to see, Deals to consummate. Clients to service the Goldman Sachs way. My usual stall ready?

Number 8 is ready for you as always. And I took care of the bugs in the video hook-up. I took the liberty of tuning it to ‘Judge Judy’ this morning. Show starts in a minute or two.

A good choice, Selig, What with one thing and another. An excellent choice…

©2010 Michael Silverstein

(Michael Silverstein is a former senior editor with Bloomberg in Princeton. To read more of his financial satire [some in verse]: http://www.wallstreetpoet.com)

The Adentures Of Selig Cartwright, Goldman Sachs Washroom Attendant (Episode 4—Keeping A Low Profile)

Morning Mr. B. Your personal stall is ready as always. Uh, don’t mean to be intrusive, sir. But why are you wearing ripped jeans and a filthy tee short.

Our new office wear, Selig.

Dress down Thursday?

Dress down every day, Selig. And our wives are doing the dress down, too. New shop on Park Avenue sells street person look-a-like wear for $2,500 a pop. Bargain stuff. Hate to have the little lady forced to do this kind of thing, but it’s the times we live in.

I understand perfectly, sir. The jealousy you people have been forced to endure for your well deserved success. Small minds spouting their envy. Pay ’em no mind, Mr. B.

I try. Lord knows, I try. But sometimes these shrill voices, harping on our contacts in government as if our people were put in place to advance our own interests instead of to improve the quality of national and international fiscal policies, well, it hurts, Selig.

You’re too sensitive for your own good, Mr. B. If you don’t mind me saying so. Down here in the washroom I’m privy, so to speak, to the way bodily systems of many of our people have been thrown askew by the constant slings and arrows.

Selig, if there were more washroom attendants making an honest living by providing personal services to Wall Street investment bankers, the world would be a better place. As a matter of fact…well, perhaps I shouldn’t mention this…

Go ahead, sir, Your private stall won’t get taken while we talk.

Well, some of the guys on the floor have been discussing perhaps an alternative to cutting back on spending more of what we’ve earned through honorable market-based toil. Doing it  in a way, though, that doesn’t attract unpleasant media attention. Perhaps all moving into our own community, isolated, well guarded, closed to prying eyes, where everything for which we’ve received bonuses can be spent copiously without any unfortunate P.R. blow back.

Sort of like the compounds of Columbia drug kingpins, sir.

I was thinking more along the lines of a super exclusive Hamptons without the mini-millionaire trash.

Wonderful idea, sir. Keep me in mind for a staff job there. For me, just serving you folks is the next best thing to actually being one of you. Ready now for a relaxing interlude in Stall 8?

Lead on, my good man. Lead on…

©2010 Michael Silverstein

The Further Adventures Of Selig Cartwright, Goldman Sachs Washroom Attendant (Episode 3—Will they never stop their hectoring?)

Mr. B. You’re late this morning. And you’re looking tired, sir.

Just got back from Europe, Selig. Things are going downhill very quickly over there. I’m not sure that even we’ll be able to pull them back from the brink.

The way you did with our own economy, sir? It was a near thing here. Had you not been willing to become a commercial bank holding company, accepted those no interest loans from the Fed and that A.I.G. settlement, I don’t know if America would even have…

Let’s not think about that now, Selig. Sometimes an investment banker’s just gotta do what an investment banker’s gotta do. To save the little people, Washroom attendants, like yourself.

The misses includes you in her nightly prayers, sir.

Do send her my best regards. Now if only Europe…

Didn’t I hear something about us and Greece?

You almost certainly did, Selig. Misreported, too, I’ll wager. To think a company like Goldman Sachs would actualy stoop to helping a sovereign government fudge its books just so they could join the EU, and we could make a few hundred million in fees…

No one who knows the way Goldman operates coud possibly believe that, Mr. B.

But they do, Selig. Sometimes…

What, sir?

Sometimes I wish I could bag it all. Not have to play nice with smarmy reporters, with those hypocrites in Congress who take the scraps we throw them, then mouth off about our supposed shortcomings. Not be victimized by people jealous of our success. Not have to settle for a chump change bonus this year to appease the public. Do you know anybody these days who can get by with a yearly bonus of just a few million dollars?

Not anyone who uses this washroom, Mr. B. Of course if you included me…

Did you ever get around to fixing the ‘Do Not Disturb’ light up sign on the door of Stall Number 8, by the way?

All taken care of, sir. And I got in those classic old Aaron Spelling DVDs you requested as well. Right there on the shelf next to the player control panel.

The classics will always be classics, Selig.

Some things will never change, sir.

©2010 Michael Silverstein

The Adentures Of Selig Cartwright, Goldman Sachs Washroom Attendant (Episode I—Two Guys Share) © Michael Silverstein

Morning Mr. B. What can I do you for today? Shoe shine? Trim? Towel after a sit down? Got some new Esquires in yesterday. The latest Economist is on the rack in stall 8.

No, Selig. Thanks, though. Just came in to brush my hair. Get away from it all for a few minutes.

Heavy is the head, sir. Heavy is the head.

You can say that again, Selig, Would you believe it? Those Congress witch hunters actually wanted me to come down to Washington again tomorrow to testify.

Not tomorrow, sir! I heard it was going to rain.

It is. So I won’t be going. Even the Star Chamber crowd in D.C. doesn’t expect me to show up when the weather is bad. Not yet anyway. No telling  what comes next, though. Ever since their health care fandango fell apart they’re looking for someone, anyone, they can persecute. Your own people fled Bolshevism, didn’t they, Selig?

Yes, sir. Came here from England years ago. Got out just before they raised taxes to pay for their own lefty health care system.

Thank God you made it, Selig. Thank God. Ever hear from the ones you left behind?

Got a letter just the other day, sir. Mail still gets through somehow. My cousin. Terrible case, sir. Terrible. She’s been waiting on a tushy tuck for eight months. Eight months! And that’s the kind of thing they want to implement here.

Not yet. Selig. No yet. But I’m afraid there’s other news that isn’t so good. I heard something this morning you’re not going to like. It’s why I really came in.

I thought it was to read the new Economist. I put it in stall 8.

Maybe later, Selig. This news involves our bonuses.

Please tell me they aren’t going to reduce those, sir. Please…

I’m afraid they are, Selig.

Don’t they understand? Don’t those crazies in Washington understand? When they swing wildly to punish people like you, Mr. B., they’re actually hurting washroom attendants like me.

No, Selig, they don’t understand. And they never will. You’ll be alright though, won’t you? Living on just a salary without a bonus? I’ve heard some Americans still manage to do that.

I can manage, sir. I have a bit put aside.

Good man. Perhaps I can even help protect that nest egg or yours. We have a special this week on double lock hamster warrants, or if you’d prefer something in the way of debt, I can fix you up with an underwater convertible that has it own multi-tiered reset features. Something else you might consider is an arbitrage play with the Romanian lei. You’d be betting the upside.

Arbitrage with the Romanian currency? On the up side, sir? Is it safe?

Can’t miss. Full disclosure here, though. We’re playing the down side with our own money. Does that bother you?

Why would it bother me?

Good man. Maybe I will take that shoe shine and trim now. And if you could get the new Economist out of the stall for me…

(To be continued…)

©2010 Michael Silverstein